All you need is love

As you probably know by now, The Beatles are on of my favourites band and the band it's self wrote a shit load of love songs which I used to digest with my rainbow milk and candy floss breakfast as a young teenage boy. I had it in my head that the only great thing in life is love and it will be the saviour of everything along with music itself to send this utopian message, but I think as you mature the big L word isn't so magical.

My first 'love' at 13 (stupidly young) now looking back was more of first experience and addiction. I had never kissed a girl at all and I was a bit of a nerd at the time...Wasn't the most popular kid around is putting it nice! I saw this girl at a school play of 'Annie'. I was working as an usher, obviously trying to suck up to teachers by doing after school stuff but I saw her and immediately thought 'I want her'. I think my nature when looking at girls is always a 'want' and then I'm fixed - ready for the chase, so I did and done the usually telling my mates followed by them spilling the beans to the girl. Then a year later after a lot of new things learnt (not getting into that stuff), my then 'love' cheated on me which turned the big load of sunshine in my heart to doom and gloom! She asked for forgiveness, which my soft heart did.

A few months later I still couldn't get over it and felt I was losing touch, so one random morning I woke up - phoned her - ended it and listened to Jeff Buckley all afternoon.

Now! after the first 'love' I went on the usual boyish thing of getting around and having fun (Again - not being discussed). This lasted for about 4 month I think until I started having feelings for 'Clare' - I am telling you her name because she was a big part in my life so far and it lasted a while, along with her maybe being a love instead of a 'love'.

Anyway! Clare was in all my classes and we flirted a lot (even when I was with the girl before), but yeah...I was head over heels for this girl and wanted nothing more at then to be with her. I was a 14/15 year old boy listening to Damien Rice while thinking of her (I've won my gay award) but you do stuff like that as a boy. So this is were it gets unbearable for me because Clare - although had a thing for me; wanted to take the time to become friends before we committed. So after 5 months...you heard! 5 months of flirting, hanging out, hugs, presents and just mind numbing frustration I asked her to be my girlfriend. Which she replied 'Yes'...now a cool normal kid would of smiled and said 'Cool' but I'm not like that. I grabbed her, picked her up and started hugging her...I had never been that strong back then but I felt I could lift a freaking building at that moment in time with the happiness and what must have been adrenaline running through me.

Now this was a girl I was truly happy to be with and I was! a lot.

I know I was 15/16 at the time and still far to young but it was just right (no explanation just was). We were together for 2 and a half years! We went on holiday, her family practical made me family, we made each other happy, never argued and I was even considering a proposal (stupid I know!). Then we started separating after I turned 18 which meant I started hanging out with friends again and she got closer to her friends - including her ex! (dum dum dummmm). I knew it was only a matter of time before someone ended it but then she asked to go on a 'brake' which in my opinion is a cowards way out.

A message to anyone actually reading - Brakes? BIG NO! just end it because brakes just leave you confused and you have no idea what the rules are or your part at all. If you just end it then there's no mystery!

Now a normal lad would of took this brake as a chance to fuck around and get as many lasses as possible but I'm not normal. I was the biggest mess ever and everyone could see it...I got drunk as much as possible, cried every night and just had a constant frown on my face. Until one morning I just snapped out of it and decided to get over it. I got a job, hung out with friends and started playing music which are now my new loves in life; I truly couldn't ask for more!

Now I am confident (well, getting there), happier and willing to love again.

Since the first two loves I have liked a lot of girls but none of them have that old energy of 'Yes!' - well maybe one (not discussing). Now typing, the song 'All you need is love' is actually playing which is a bit ironic but does give me a glimpse of hope and a smile.

My out look on love today is that if you find love you have to work for it if you truly want it, understand your not perfect and can change all the time. Ooooo also compromise! it's a big thing because just because it's good for you...it may not be for the other and the relationship.

I hope I given someone at least help and you've enjoyed my story.

-Peace-